Friday, September 26, 2008

Behind the Scenes: With the soul of an average Indian undergrad

I am actually quite excited that now the beginning of my first job is finally in sight. Unlike previous years of schooling, I feel like I truly gained a sense of self-motivation. In elementary and middle school, I never really needed to work hard - learning the basics was easy. Later, in high school, I worked slightly harder because I wanted to go to a good college (and also my parents instilled in me a deeply competitive spirit, however hidden I kept it). However, the methods in which learning is measured by emphasizing short term memorization, instead of truly learning. Standardized testing can be easily manipulated - you could do well, but that didn’t mean that you were smart or learned anything really. Even tests and grades in classes emphasized a numeric score that was supposed to represent how much you “knew”. Whether you promptly forgot it or not didn’t factor into the equation.

That was exactly how I did things - enough to just get by. I did well in high school, both on standardized tests and in every class. However, my motivation was not self-motivation; the drive didn’t come from within, but pressure from outside sources. As a result, I didn’t retain much of what I’ve learned, and the same horrible habits transferred to my under-graduate years of college. The bad habits were even intensified since I didn’t feel like I had something bigger looming on my horizon post-college. I barely studied at all, barely stayed awake in classes, and did moderately well, but definitely not up to my potential. I didn’t have an interest in the classes I took (especially not the required ones!), and that only further exacerbated my lack of enthusiasm towards learning.

Now though, I am more excited to get my brain churning again in some challenging projects. I know that I will legitimately work hard this year because my motivations are from the heart, lame as that sounds. This is it. This is my life, and what have I done but wasted it? When I finally graduated, I had a decent CGPA, but if my mind is empty, what good does a high number do? If I open my mouth and it only reflects the shallowness that is in my mind, what good does graduating with honors do?

I want to not only appear to be intelligent, but truly be intelligent. This is the real world, and it’s not a game anymore. I can’t just claim disinterest in the subject matter and have that be sufficient. I already feel guilty because I am easily sucked in by superficial and shallow fluff, like clothes and celebrity gossip (I admit it!). I feel like getting back in a schedule will lessen the time I have to spend being vain and thinking about irrelevant bullshit.

I think back on my younger self and realize that all those classes that I hated or fell asleep in, I regret not learning as much as possible. Bio-chemistry and bio-medical in college - I persuaded myself that I absolutely sucked at writing papers and never ever did the required reading. Semesters later, I found myself reading supplementary reading out of my own free will, wondering why I couldn't find it interesting before.

I also was a voracious reader when I was younger. Now, we don’t go to the library anymore, and since I own few books of my own, it limits my reading to blogs and other online sources. I have lists of books I want to read, but just can’t find the capacity to read them. If I had them in front of me, I definitely would.



Welcome back, my motivation. Er, maybe not “back”, since it just finally arrived.