Friday, September 26, 2008

Behind the Scenes: With the soul of an average Indian undergrad

I am actually quite excited that now the beginning of my first job is finally in sight. Unlike previous years of schooling, I feel like I truly gained a sense of self-motivation. In elementary and middle school, I never really needed to work hard - learning the basics was easy. Later, in high school, I worked slightly harder because I wanted to go to a good college (and also my parents instilled in me a deeply competitive spirit, however hidden I kept it). However, the methods in which learning is measured by emphasizing short term memorization, instead of truly learning. Standardized testing can be easily manipulated - you could do well, but that didn’t mean that you were smart or learned anything really. Even tests and grades in classes emphasized a numeric score that was supposed to represent how much you “knew”. Whether you promptly forgot it or not didn’t factor into the equation.

That was exactly how I did things - enough to just get by. I did well in high school, both on standardized tests and in every class. However, my motivation was not self-motivation; the drive didn’t come from within, but pressure from outside sources. As a result, I didn’t retain much of what I’ve learned, and the same horrible habits transferred to my under-graduate years of college. The bad habits were even intensified since I didn’t feel like I had something bigger looming on my horizon post-college. I barely studied at all, barely stayed awake in classes, and did moderately well, but definitely not up to my potential. I didn’t have an interest in the classes I took (especially not the required ones!), and that only further exacerbated my lack of enthusiasm towards learning.

Now though, I am more excited to get my brain churning again in some challenging projects. I know that I will legitimately work hard this year because my motivations are from the heart, lame as that sounds. This is it. This is my life, and what have I done but wasted it? When I finally graduated, I had a decent CGPA, but if my mind is empty, what good does a high number do? If I open my mouth and it only reflects the shallowness that is in my mind, what good does graduating with honors do?

I want to not only appear to be intelligent, but truly be intelligent. This is the real world, and it’s not a game anymore. I can’t just claim disinterest in the subject matter and have that be sufficient. I already feel guilty because I am easily sucked in by superficial and shallow fluff, like clothes and celebrity gossip (I admit it!). I feel like getting back in a schedule will lessen the time I have to spend being vain and thinking about irrelevant bullshit.

I think back on my younger self and realize that all those classes that I hated or fell asleep in, I regret not learning as much as possible. Bio-chemistry and bio-medical in college - I persuaded myself that I absolutely sucked at writing papers and never ever did the required reading. Semesters later, I found myself reading supplementary reading out of my own free will, wondering why I couldn't find it interesting before.

I also was a voracious reader when I was younger. Now, we don’t go to the library anymore, and since I own few books of my own, it limits my reading to blogs and other online sources. I have lists of books I want to read, but just can’t find the capacity to read them. If I had them in front of me, I definitely would.



Welcome back, my motivation. Er, maybe not “back”, since it just finally arrived.


10 comments:

Spriha Pavuluri said...

Well...I am glad your "motivation" finally arrived. External or internal, or as you put it "from within", I hope it changes things (for the better) for you.

Spriha Pavuluri said...

Clearly this blog has been "work in progress". The whole "this is life" part surely threw a curve ball for me. I sure as hell hope this ain't all there is to life -- now would you agree?

Anonymous said...

sad story of motivation by lots of iitians :) . now Rock On!! dude...since your motivation is back

Ganesh said...

It was nice to read the entry :) As they say, everything is for good.. so, all the best, to both you and your motivation! :) I hope the real world will get the real you out of your slumber so far ;)

Nrupesh said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Nrupesh said...

good for ya dude... all the best for everything in future...

Anonymous said...

Prasanna is gonna rule the world now! Nice post da. A lot of things you said applies to me as well.

"I also was a voracious reader when I was younger. Now, we don’t go to the library anymore"

That reminds me - we need to return those books we borrowed from *Murugan* lending library da. Now that your motivation is back, my deposit is safe :P

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